Excellent news, everyone! I’m in the final proofread of Novel #2 and will hopefully be submitting queries to agents by tomorrow!
Also: my depression came back.
Maybe ‘came back’ isn’t the right term. Flare up is more like it. Or triggered or whatever. I think I’ve accepted my depression is something that’s always in the back of my mind and I’ll probably have to deal with it for the rest of my life.
Most of the time I can get by alright. I don’t remember the last time I was truly happy (not counting the momentary euphoria of every Big Mac I’ve ever consumed), but I can function and do things without dwelling on my depression.
But sometimes it all just gets to be too much or something extraordinarily shitty or even something minor will tip me over the edge into full blown depression that starts to mess with my life.
This time, I guess you could say I brought it on myself a little.
Even though I technically have a job now, I spend most of my time alone. Sometimes it’s great but after five or six months of being cooped up in the house all the time with not a ton for me to do, it gets horrendously boring.
So on NYE, I watched Schitt’s Creek and drank an entire tall boy Lime-a-Rita.
I know, super stereotypical, anyway. So I’m fairly buzzed and texting my bff and for some reason I think now’s a good time to get on facebook and add dudes from the past I thought were cute but had never actually pursued.
In the morning, I was hungover AF. The last time I seriously drank was my sister’s wedding back in May so after that gigantic Lime-a-rita, I was basically down for the count the next day.
But I saw that one of the two guys I’d added had accepted my friend request. We’ll call him Marco. Sober me recognized a couple of red flags about Marco.I had met him a year and a half ago and there was a reason I hadn’t shown him any interest and that reason hadn’t changed.
But I said screw it, I’m bored, let’s stir up some drama and get ourselves some attention. So I message him and the convo is fairly decent. Eventually we both admit there was a physical attraction but we both had our reasons for not saying anything to the other back then.
For two days we’re messaging back and forth almost constantly, til 1am both nights. So on the third day I realize I’m talking to this dude way too much for it to be just a friendly catch up convo and I point blank tell him I’m interested (mind you, at this point we’ve told each other some personal things about our lives).
He reads the message and then he promptly blocks me.
Of course I’m taken the hell aback by this. Like tf? How did we go from talking about our terrible fathers to this? Am I crazy? Did I misinterpret this entire conversation?
My best guess is that he, like me, just wanted the attention. How long he would have allowed the neverending convo to continue had I not confronted him about it, probably waaaaaaaayyyy too long.
Now this was not the first time I’ve been ghosted by someone. But it was the first time in a couple years where I told a guy something personal about me. Mainly because I haven’t been in a relationship since 2015. Not even a date. Mostly by own choice and being fed up with people’s shit.
it wasn’t Marco who triggered my depression, it was the perceived loss of a good feeling.
It was putting myself out there (albeit drunk)and thinking to myself, hey, here’s someone who wants to listen to what you have to say. Here’s someone who trusts you with what they have to say. And he thinks you’re pretty.
When I was ghosted, it just reminded me of how alone I am. I have friends and family but I’m at the age where everyone is getting married, moving in together, having kids, etc. Then there’s me, being ghosted by an idiot because I decided to get drunk and add people on facebook.
Then the depression kicks in and adds his 2 cents. It feels like everybody’s inside this big circle and I’m always on the outside of it.
Part of me wants to be loved on that romantic level and another part, maybe a bigger part, is like, fuck everybody, leave me alone.
I’ve been channeling that negative energy into my writing which helped me power through my revisions but at the same time, it didn’t change anything about how I’m feeling.
I can get lost in the world of my novel, but as soon as I look up from the page to take a break, all the thoughts come back. The lack of money, the lack of companionship, the verbal abuse, the stress of not knowing how I’m going to really make a living or how I’m going to get myself out of this rut.
The worst part is, this isn’t the hysterical crying depression. The kind where you eventually start feeling normal and realize you weren’t thinking rationally.
This is the RATIONAL AF depression. It’s calm because it’s logical and reasonable. Everything objectively sucks right now. I’m sticking to my writing, I’m walking and feeding the dog, I’m showering and changing my clothes everyday.
But my life is in shambles despite my best efforts. It’s honestly hard to give a crap sometimes. It’s easier to just let it be and accept it.
Anyway, on the offchance my book becomes something important one day, I want this to be an accurate record for people to see what I was going through when I wrote it.
I struggle with my depression but you can definitely produce amazing art in your darkest times. It’s not preventing me from being depressed, but I like to think it’s giving me something to hold onto and look forward to.
In the meantime I’m just sitting here. Waiting for it to pass…