It’s 7am. The sun is just starting to rise. I’ve been wide tf awake since 5am, and tossing and turning before that.
I haven’t had a full night’s sleep since I left my apartment and GOD I MISS IT.
What keeps me awake are unnecessary trivial things being done around the house at the crack of dawn for no reason. I can’t even bother to nap during the day because more unnecessary shit and loud noises would wake me up at any given moment. Idk if I’d be more pissed off at having not slept or at having tried to nap and being rudely awakened.
So essentially I’m tired ALL THE TIME. Before I started my job, I’d brought this issue up and was given the impression that because I wasn’t working,it didn’t matter. Never mind the fact that the source of the noise wasn’t working either.
I don’t have to go into my shitty job today, but it annoys my soul that some people place so much value on money without looking at the bigger picture.
My shitty job is just that: a shitty job. The money I’ve made while working here will be gone in a matter of months and I’ll be back to square one with job hunting.
My writing career is also just that: my CAREER. It’s what makes me happy, it’s what I’m good at, it’s what I want to do with my life. The payoff might not be instantaneous but nothing worth having comes easy. And I know for me, one day it will pay off.
But until then, goddammnit, I still have value as a person and deserve respect. and SLEEP. If you’re a living thing, you deserve some sleep! It’s not a privilege, it’s a necessity of life. Whether you’re working or not, you need to rest.
Right now, it’s 8:30am. My head hurts, I definitely feel like I got a very small amount of sleep and I’m pissed tf off. I don’t have the energy to get up and do what I need to do so I have every intention of putting a stop to the daily pot and pan flinging marathon!
I’m still praying I get a fellowship because I need it. Desperately. I can see it now, my own apartment again, a suitable bed, space for all of my things, no one to degrade or talk shit to me, time and freedom to write without guilt or stress about bills and best of all, BLISSFUL SLEEP.
One of the fellowships I applied to received over 700 applications for 10-15 slots. The number is staggering, no doubt, but a girl can still dream right?