Today was a nightmare. All that anxiety I was feeling yesterday? Totally called for because my morning was a dumpster fire in Hell.
Everything started off fairly well. I’d packed my lunch and bag the night before, looked up directions to the office, I was ready.
I took the train 40mins downtown and was fortunate enough that my stop is in the same building as the job. So I go to the security desk to get my badge and I’m not on the list.
But then she calls up to the office and they issue me a pass. I’m a little wary but I figure, everything’s cool, I made it here, let’s just see how it goes.
They have these silly gates in front of the elevators that only open with your pass (9/11 precautions I’m betting). Mine wouldn’t scan right so a security guard had to do it for me. I was like, ugh, I’m an adult, I should be able to work elevator gate thingies by now even though I’ve never seen one before!
I take the elevator up to the floor I’ll be working on and it’s super empty and weird. I ask a guy for help and he directs me to another guy.
Me: Hi, I’m Juliana
Guy: (blank stare) okaaaaaay
My instinct is to give him a verbal lashing, after all, you work here, you should be me asking how you can help me. But I figure this is my place of work so I decide to let him keep his self esteem for the day and he offers to call my ‘supervisor’ or whatever he calls himself.
Then the dude comes to relay me the message that the temp job was pushed back and I should give the recruiter a call. Mind you, this is the second time I have been given info about a job that was clearly not available from this agency.
I never got an email about the job being canceled but regardless, that’s something he should have called and told me. So I’m livid and embarrassed at this point and I just get up and leave.
I miss the train home by 2 seconds and have to wait in the station a full hour for the next one.
The stress of it all just gets to me and while I’m not boohooing, I do cry a because I feel like utter and complete garbage. A dumpster fire. I feel like, this entire year, I’ve been making the right moves to try and support myself and I just fail miserably every time.
To add salt to the wound, while I’m sitting alone in the train station, hundreds of commuters flood by with coats and bags and briefcases, people with jobs. Jobs that I can’t get for some reason. It’s infuriating beyond words for me because I don’t understand why I’m constantly struggling and the thought of this continuing for years to come terrifies me.
When I finally get back to my stop, I go to the store and buy some junk food. I want liquor but they don’t sell until noon and I feel like that’s going to take me down an even worse road so junk food pigout is a good choice.
I get home and receive a new email from the temp agency saying the job was canceled. I let my recruiter have it because I’m done with them and then I post an awful review on yelp, where they already have a lot of bad reviews.
I had seen reviews on indeed but hadn’t thought to check yelp because I didn’t know they had temp agencies on there. Lesson learned.
My mental state right now? Better than it was at the train station. Still feeling incredibly discouraged and tired of trying to find a job though. I’ve been on so many interviews with legit companies and still don’t get the position. They’re not even jobs I really want. I’m just not a corporate person even though office jobs are all I’m cut out for besides teaching.
I’m going to try to take it easy for the rest of the day, read, write, relax, stop beating myself up over things that are out of my control. But I’m so tired of it all, really. The interviews, the suits, the no call backs.
OAN: I also didn’t find out whether I got the fellowship or not. I emailed them about it and they said they’ll have the results ready by Wednesday at 5pm.
Okay. Whatever. Everything else is falling apart, I’m not really expecting anything to work out at this point.