Last night I was rejected from the 3rd of 4 fellowships I applied to this year.
Obviously, yesterday was a pretty bad day as far as rejections go. I got 3 different rejections in one day. Which hasn’t happened to me before. This particular fellowship was a fairly big one, 40k for one year, so I wasn’t completely shocked I didn’t get it.
I was pissed that they added the names of the winners and their publication bios. Just tacky af, I don’t give af where Sally Sue was published. All they needed to do was let people know they didn’t get it and let that be that.
I did, however, notice that none of the winners are Young Adult writers. That seems to be the case for most of these prestigious fellowships. They don’t specifically say YA isn’t accepted, but you don’t see these people getting fellowships at the rate that adult authors do.
Luckily, the 4th and final shot at a fellowship has a category for YA fiction. Even if I don’t get that one, at least I’ll know it’s not because of the genre I choose to write.
Fast forward to now, I’m about to head to a job interview I was referred to by my employment agency. Honestly, after looking at their site, I’m still not 100% what this job is even about and the agency called me too late yesterday to run through a practice interview and give me more details but at this point, I’m just gonna go and wing it.
I guess you could say I’m getting comfortable with rejection. But maybe not in the best way. Now it’s more of an “I don’t give a flying fuck at this point” kind of attitude. I do believe that most of the things I’m going to attempt are not going to work out. Even if I prepare as much as possible.
I fully believe you can work your ass off and never see a real payoff. And that’s life. Shit happens. Now, me personally, I’m not giving up. Statistically speaking, something good is bound to happen at some point. I want this incredibly trying time to have been worth it in the end.
Bu at the same time, I do understand why other people have given up or gotten ‘lazy’ so to speak. Life is really exhausting and infuriating and if you’re one of those people where the positives of your life don’t outweigh the negatives, it’s easy to feel hopeless.
Unfortunately, I don’t have a remedy for that. I don’t think “things will get better” is necessarily true for everyone. Some people have really amazing lives and some people have really bad ones and I don’t think we’re always in control of which life we’re going to have.