Being poor sucks. To solve one of my many poor people problems, I spent an hour on the phone waiting for a representative to get to my call. When they finally did, BLOOP, the line disconnected.
I HATE BEING POOR. I hate the neighborhood we live in, I hate not having the means to get around, I hate the lack of jobs, I hate not having the basics, I hate having to ask for help, I hate being shamed for not being able to find work, I hate not having a bed, I hate being uncomfortable all the time.
Maybe most of all I hate that I know how much better life is for normal people. At school, I had a paycheck, a nice apartment, great neighborhood, restaurants, movie theater, trails, safety.
Even though school itself was awful and draining, I loved having my own space, my own life. Now I feel like I’m in some transition period but I have no idea how long it’s going to be. It’s been a year since I graduated and I thought I’d at least have a full time job.
I feel like I’m drowning in this deep dark hole and even though I’m clawing like Hell to get myself out, I keep getting dragged down. Like every other person who can’t find a job, I’m told ‘Don’t give up. Keep trying’.
I understand the sentiment but it’s not like this is even my dream or anything. I already know I’m not going to enjoy the type of jobs available to me, so I’m trying desperately to get a full time job that’s going to drain me mentally and emotionally 40hours a week so I can live and possibly scrape by.
I mean, isn’t that what a lot of people do? I guess it’s normal but I think it’s sad and messed up. My dream is to be able to write full time and support myself and possibly become a professor and teach creative writing.
But I still don’t have an agent and I can’t afford one application fee to get into a PhD program even if I wanted to choose that route.
To summarize: I fucking hate this shit.